“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

Everything is changing.

Well that shouldn't be surprising, everything changes. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I guess. "I guess", how convenient is that? I have been using it a lot lately and I didn't bother thinking much about it, but now it becomes apparent to me that maybe I just thought of a way to place the onus of what I say on my words rather than on myself. I hate facing reality I guess.

Anyway, within two years, maybe even one, I’ve noticed quite a few drastic changes in my life. Or should I say, changes to the people around me, since my life has more or less been the same old. Stagnant? Boring? Uneventful? Yeah, probably uneventful. Disasters and heartbreaks probably eliminate stagnancy and boredom from my choice of description.

Changes.

Lynnie came back from Aussie a couple of days ago. I was extremely overjoyed, so thrilled and eager to meet up with this special and important friend, this good, really good friend of mine. It has been nearly a year since we last met and I had expectations that not everyone can understand. So anyways, we had brunch at Symmetry Café, one of the two cafés she was interested in visiting.  Personally though, more than anything else I was excited to be in her presence… reminiscing about the past, joking and laughing, talking about the old times like a couple of 40-year-old best pals would during reunion. But. There’s always the “but”, something I understand, I really do, but that I can never reconcile my ideals with.

Melly* no longer works at LTS* (an acronym probably only I understand). Yesterday I texted her like any customer close to her therapist would, only to realize she’s no longer with LTS. My place of escape and tranquil whenever I just need that little time to pamper myself was no longer as viable an option as it was, because she was a big part of why serenity was so readily available for me there. I missed talking to her during those short but valuable times of relaxation. I missed having that place all to myself, having a genuine conversation with a person that I liked whilst at it. Had so much happened within just a year? I always assumed her dedication to this job of hers and history of working there for the past five years were reasons enough to believe I’d always have her as mine, at least at LTS. How wrong was I.

These two instances are starkly in contrast, dissimilar in nature and involve completely different relationships, but recent events made it painfully glaring- the fact that things around me change and it doesn’t benefit me in any way to dwell on them for selfish reasons and attach myself to a constantly altering world. They say time heals and experiences train us to be better. But it all hurts the same, loss.

Self-centered? Maybe.

But all I know is that all the dreams I have had failed me. Because of circumstances, because of people around me, because of the kind of dreams I pit myself against, because I’m not good enough. Whatever it is, they have failed me. Or rather, I have failed them. Those heart wrenching dreams. The innocent and daring younger self of me was so clueless.

That inevitably calls for change, I guess?

Change my mindset. Change my dreams. Change my self. Change change change.

I am so sick of change. But I need it. And that’s the sad part, I guess.